Divorce is not a race . . .
Walking through Indianapolis neighborhoods this week feels like entering a vibrant patchwork of racing spirit and community pride.
Here in Indianapolis, the transformation of this town is unmistakable. The front lawns in my neighborhood are decorated with colorful racing flags. May is when we prepare for the biggest sporting event of our year: the Indianapolis 500.
As I drive through these city streets, I can’t help but wonder how the same flags that guide drivers around the track offer powerful metaphors for anyone on the divorce journey.
The Flags That Guide Us
As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, it feels especially appropriate to reflect on how these racing symbols mirror the emotional journey of those rebuilding their lives after marriage. Just as drivers rely on flags to navigate the dangerous curves of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, those going through divorce encounter similar signals along their path:
The GREEN FLAG 🟢 - That moment when you finally decide to move forward. Perhaps after months or years of consideration, you take that first step toward a new life. It's terrifying and liberating all at once. The race has begun, and while you can't see the finish line yet, you're in motion.
The YELLOW FLAG 🟡 - These are the moments when caution becomes necessary. Major decisions about assets, living arrangements, or co-parenting plans require you to slow down, assess the situation carefully, and proceed with awareness. Sometimes the yellow flag appears through the counsel of friends, sometimes through your own intuition warning you to take your time.
The RED FLAG 🔴 - Unlike the racetrack, in divorce, sometimes a complete stop is necessary. When emotions overwhelm, when anxiety peaks, or when grief clouds your judgment—these are moments to pause completely and focus on your mental health. Just as no race is worth a driver's safety, no divorce process is worth sacrificing your wellbeing.
The BLUE FLAG 🔵 - In racing, this flag warns slower cars that faster ones are approaching from behind. In divorce, it reminds us not to compare our healing timeline to others. Your college roommate may have "bounced back" in three months while you're still processing a year later. The blue flag reminds us: this is your journey, at your pace.
The BLACK FLAG ⚫ - On the track, this means a rule violation. In divorce, it signals when boundaries have been crossed and need immediate reinforcement. Whether it's an ex who continues unhealthy communication patterns or family members who share too much information with your children, the black flag means it's time to reset boundaries with clarity and confidence.
The WHITE FLAG ⚪ - One lap to go in racing; in divorce, it celebrates approaching meaningful milestones. Perhaps you've finalized paperwork, established a new home, or simply made it through your first holiday season apart. These moments deserve recognition.
The CHECKERED FLAG 🏁 - Unlike racing, divorce doesn't have one clear finish line. Instead, there are countless small victories to celebrate along the way: the first time you introduce yourself without using your married name, the moment you realize you went a whole day without crying, or the evening you genuinely laugh again.
Carb Day and Emotional Fuel
The tradition of Carb Day itself—originally when racers would calibrate their carburetors but now more of a celebration—offers its own parallel. Just as drivers need the right fuel mixture for optimal performance, those navigating divorce need to be intentional about what fuels their emotional and mental state.
What are you consuming daily? Is it the emotional equivalent of high-octane fuel—supportive friendships, professional guidance, healthy habits—or are you running on empty, trying to power through on fumes?
The Spectators in Your Life
The Indy 500 draws hundreds of thousands of spectators. Your divorce has an audience too—some supportive pit crew members who help you make necessary adjustments, some fans cheering you on from the grandstands of your life, and perhaps a few critics watching for crashes.
Remember that while many will watch your journey, few understand the actual experience of being behind the wheel. Be selective about whose voices you allow to influence your race strategy.
Beyond the Oval
Remember this: your divorce is not a race. There are no trophies for finishing first, no qualifying times to beat, no competitors to outpace.
And unlike the Indianapolis 500, your journey isn't on a circular track where you keep passing the same points over and over. Though healing isn't always linear, you are moving forward with every step, every decision, every tear, and every moment of strength. Your path leads somewhere new—not back to the starting line.
The real victory in divorce recovery isn't about speed—it's about sustainable healing and growth. And unlike the solitary driver in the cockpit, you don't have to navigate this path alone.
Your Weekend Reflection
As Indianapolis celebrates this weekend, I encourage you to ponder this: What flag are you seeing in your divorce journey right now?
Are you cautiously navigating under a yellow flag? Celebrating a small victory with a checkered flag? Or perhaps you're seeing the green flag of a fresh start as summer approaches?
Whatever flag you're facing, remember that unlike the precisely engineered vehicles zooming around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, human hearts and lives weren't built for constant high speeds. Your pace is perfect for your journey.
And as we wrap up Mental Health Awareness Month alongside race weekend, remember to be as gentle with yourself as those drivers are attentive to their vehicles—regular maintenance, quality fuel, and occasional pit stops are essential for both.
I'm here cheering you on from the speedway city, whether you're just a few miles away or joining our community from across the country. Your race matters, your journey is valid, and your healing—at whatever pace it comes—is worth celebrating.
With encouragement,
